Stop.

Stop.

Don't push it.

That's enough.

The thoughts on the first day of school are still fuzzy in my mind. A major meltdown, all because I couldn't take it in. The high school smells. Bad. And that was too much.

Then comes just the fact that I am in honors, not because I can work well with others or because I have good executive functioning, but because I don't forget. And yet. Memory isn't enough if you don't care for math and your teacher last year never got around to teaching you what you were supposed to learn. (He played extremely loud, annoying music instead.) I couldn't take it. I had a meltdown.

And that's okay. They let me. They let me leave the room, they let me get away. They realized I wasn't going to be able to cope at first. They were fine with that.

But I still have protests. For one, the whole school is expected to light it up blue. I'll be wearing a red polo shirt that day, thank you very much. Polos are good. They don't hurt. So I'll be asking if we can have an assembly that day. I'll speak. I don't fully understand stage fright. It's like pain--it doesn't really exist. So maybe I can speak. Maybe they'll let me show my true colors. Maybe....

Maybe someday clear social struggles won't be ignored because grades are good enough to pass. In kindergarten, in first grade, in second and in third, Mom tried to get my teachers to allow me to skip a grade. But they refused, saying  I wasn't socially capable. They were ignorant of the fact that I read novels at recess, and that I seemed perfectly happy. But they decided, at one point, that I was disabled. They put me in a reading-assistance program in second grade for those at a kindergarten level. I was reading at a sixth-grade level. At least. I was out of that only after two months of me saying I was annoyed. But there will always be more....

Maybe someday autistic children won't be killed for being themselves. Issy. Alex. So many. Each different, yet all the same. All killed. Just for who they are. I pay attention. But I'm not going to devote too much energy to fighting for the peace of Star Trek's Earth. Other things come first for me--getting understanding. That will lead to the peace.

Maybe hate will stop someday.

I'm waiting.